My parents are very happy together. I think it’s fair to say that theirs is the happiest marriage in all of our extended family. Yet I cannot say that it is what I have wanted my own marriage to be like.
I find it difficult to describe my parents’ marriage using conventional terms of psychology — its concepts and categories feel inadequate and too rough, they cut at the wrong joints. So it wouldn’t do justice to their relationship to say that they’ve naturally assumed gender roles prescribed to them by the largely traditional Azerbaijani society, and that proved to be a stable system (I wince at this description). But to an outsider, it may seem so.
They met through my dad’s sister, around ages 24 and 26, and fell in love. They married within a year after meeting each other. Their union was tested and strengthened by an undercurrent of animosity that my mom was met with in my dad’s family. Then I was born. Overall, I would describe my childhood as a happy one. My parents truly did the best they could to make that possible, given the hardships they’ve been going through, in the context of our extended family and of a country born from the ashes of the Soviet Union.
My parents are very happy together because in each other, they found the ultimate reliance, companionship and consolation in the face of life’s hardships. In Russian, spouses are called “супруги” — literally those who (like horses) are strapped in the same harness and carry the burdens — and joys — of life together. That aspect of their marriage I would love to have in mine as well.
My dad has always been the bread-winner for the family, as was expected of him. My mom left her job as a violin teacher after my younger brother was born. She became a housewife. At one point she wanted to go back to work again but my dad objected, and she agreed to stay home. This aspect of their marriage I would not want to have in mine.
I want my marriage to be a marriage of minds. I want my husband to appreciate my work and support me in it — and perhaps even collaborate with me on it. I want to raise children — and make art and do research together. I want to build a full life together.
I’ve never expressed interest in a man unless I was deeply convinced that he could be my life partner. It may or may not ultimately prove to be the case but that is the attitude with which I can ever conceive of entering into a relationship. Some of my loves have turned into cherished friendships, and I am very thankful for those. Others dissolved into the ether, as our differences proved incompatible with a married life. But I want a husband, a lover, a lifetime companion.
The Soul selects her own Society —
Then — shuts the Door —
To her divine Majority —
Present no more —
Unmoved — she notes the Chariots — pausing —
At her low Gate —
Unmoved — an Emperor be kneeling
Upon her Mat —
I've known her — from an ample nation —
Choose One —
Then — close the Valves of her attention —
Like Stone —
Emily Dickinson (c. 1862)
I think my soul knows well how to select her own society. Question is, where is that society to be found?